As Socrates Once Said - Know Thyself
If you’re on any type of life improvement quest, or want to be, I think one of the best things you can do to begin is really try to get to know and understand yourself. Just like with any major life change, you need to face the reality of the situation before you can start tackling it. As Gretchen Rubin says at the start of her book about habits – Better Than Before – “The most important thing is to know ourselves…”
In my opinion, if you want to get start getting to know yourself better, you need to explore the following five personality frameworks:
The ‘Big Five’
Myers Briggs
The Enneagram
The VIA (Values in Action) Survey of Character Strengths
Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies
The “Big Five”
I don’t think the ‘Big Five’ has an official website, so after studying some books on it I created my own quiz you can take to see where you lie on the scales of Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, Agreeableness and Neuroticism (hence why sometimes this personality framework is called ‘OCEAN’).
I am:
High on Openness;
Very High on Conscientiousness;
Medium on Extraversion;
Medium on Agreeableness; and
Low on Neuroticism.
Myers Briggs
My favourite Myers Briggs website where you can take its quiz is 16 Personalities (because there are 16 personality types within the Myers Briggs framework). I am an INTJ aka an Architect – one of the most extreme of the 16 types apparently according to the book Gifts Differing. The first letter – I or E – indicates whether you are an introvert or extrovert, but in a slightly different sense to the “Big Five”. In the “Big Five”, extraversion is kind of like how much of a thrill seeker and risk taker you are. In the Myers Briggs framework, being an extrovert means you are more likely to show your true personality to people you meet, and be completely open with them, whereas being an introvert means you are more likely to guard your inner self, and only reveal your true manner to those you trust and feel close to. The second letter, N or S indicates whether you are an ‘intuitive’ or a ‘senser’, which I basically take as meaning whether you are more of a dreamer or someone who is more practical and grounded. I think the easiest way to self-determine whether you are an N or an S, which I got from the book Gifts Differing, is to consider whether you like reading books, and if so which type of books you like to read. If you are an S you may not like reading at all, or if you do you will strongly prefer non-fiction to fiction. The third letter T or F indicates whether you are more of a ‘thinker’ – someone who more often goes with their head over their heart and likes to apply logic to decisions – or a ‘feeler’ – someone who more often goes with their heart over their head and is ruled more by emotion than logic. I think ‘thinkers’ like me sometimes come across as cold…there are many times in my life I have wished I could have been more of a ‘feeler’. The last letter still kind of baffles me even though I’ve done a lot of research on Myers Briggs, because it is also related to whether you are an introvert or extravert…So my last letter J – which stands for judgement – actually means that my dominant trait is P, perception, but because I am an introvert, when I have to deal with the outside world as it were, I prefer to hide my true nature of perception and so put across judgement instead…If I were an ENTJ, on the other hand – an extrovert instead of an introvert with all other letters staying the same – that would mean that my dominant trait actually was J for judgement, because I am happy to use it freely when interacting with outer forces…
The Enneagram
The Enneagram Institute is the best place to find out more about this personality framework, although I don’t think you can do the quiz on there for free… But from reading The Wisdom of the Enneagram I think you can determine it from thinking about which of the following best describes you as a child:
A: I often felt terrified that my parents would abandon me; I knew I would not survive without them. On the other hand, I sometimes felt in danger of being overwhelmed by my mother. I felt the need for approval and closeness, but also the need to defend against it at the same time. I wanted to be supported but not overwhelmed. I was outwardly obedient, but inside I usually felt rebellious and cynical.
B: I was usually the peacemaker or mediator during family conflicts. I was so quiet and easy-to-please that my family didn’t even realise I was there sometimes. I never caused anyone any trouble. I was a low-maintenance child – undemanding with few expectations. I stayed out of the way. I easily adjusted to things and went along with whatever the family or others wanted to do. I didn’t get my way, but I never really wanted to much either. I always focused on the positives.
C: I tried hard to be a good kid and was generally very responsible. I developed a sense of seriousness and adult responsibility at an early age. I readily took on my parents expectations of me. I always followed the rules. I was often the voice of reason. I often felt that others were lazy, sloppy and less mature than me.
D: I was all about achievement and performance. However, the things I strived to succeed at were mainly influenced by my parents – what they were passionate about, or felt was a worthy pursuit. I adapted myself and my interests to please them. Sometimes I found myself wondering why I was pursuing certain goals, and realised it was to make my family proud of me. Unfortunately, though, I sometimes felt like it still wasn’t enough for them. I just really wanted to win their acceptance and approval. I also felt like I had to have it all together, all the time. I didn’t feel it was acceptable to be upset, confused, or annoyed.
E: I felt so different from my parents. I wished I would one day find out that I had been mistakenly switched at birth, or was adopted. I didn’t feel like my parents “saw” me for who I was; we weren’t very connected. I felt abandoned and misunderstood by them. I often focused on what I lacked – on what I was missing in myself, my life, and my relationships. I attempted to be mysterious and intriguing. I sometimes felt like I was alienating others with my emotional demands.
F: I was generally quite frustrated as a child, but I could never put my finger on exactly why. I liked to take care of my own needs and was independent. I loved toys, games, and playing with my friends. People would say I was easily distractible, but I just loved experiencing new things and was full of energy.
G: I believed three things when I was a child. First, that I had to put other people’s needs ahead of my own; second, that I had to give in order to get; and third, that I had to earn a place in the affections of others because love would not just be given to me. I felt that the way to be loved was to repress my own needs and attend to the needs of others. I lavished everyone with attention. I felt that acknowledging my own needs was a form of selfishness. I was a helper: always out to please. I looked after my siblings, did housework, and took care of my parents in different ways.
H: I sometimes felt overwhelmed by my parents. I shied away from playing with others, preferring to read books, practice musical instruments, play on the computer, collect insects or plants, or play with board games or chemistry sets. I sometimes felt pressured by my parents and siblings to join in with social activities, which I met with intense resistance. My extensive imagination often fuelled my anxiety about myself and the world. I did not expect much from others, and so expected them to leave me alone to pursue my own interests unimpeded by their demands or needs – especially their emotional needs.
I: I felt I had to become quite adult at an early age: I grew up quickly. I sometimes helped bring in money or look after my siblings, but I didn’t do so in a gentle or giving way. I protected my own feelings, because being soft or weak would not have went down well with my family I felt. I was not going to let my guard down easily. I sometimes felt rejected or betrayed, even though I wasn’t sure why. I was quite assertive and adventurous and got into situations that often resulted in getting in trouble. I was quite the maverick, rebelling against my restraints and bucking the system wherever possible. I felt the need to be tough.
If you answered: A you are likely a 6; B a 9; C a 1; D a 3; E a 4; F a 7; G a 2; H a 5; and I an 8.
I am a 5: The Investigator. One of the things I took from learning about my type that has helped me a lot in life is that I need to strive to get out of my head and choose action over contemplation and planning. One way I’ve put this into practice is that I now try to think out loud - while using otter.ai to dictate what I’m saying – rather than mulling something complex over in my head for a long time which I am prone to do. It definitely helps me make progress more quickly. I would like to add that I have to do this in an American accent to have any chance of it correctly interpreting what I’m saying.
The VIA Survey of Character Strengths
You can take this survey for free on the VIA Institute’s website. It tells you which of the 24 character strengths are your greatest strengths, and which are your weakest. My top 5 strongest are: Gratitude, which I really started practising when I went through my quarter-life crisis around 2014/15, although don’t get me wrong: when things are rough I can and do lose perspective; Spirituality, although I don’t adhere to a specific religion; Self-Regulation; Love of Learning; and Love, which surprises me slightly since I’ve always felt relationships are something I struggle with somewhat… My weakest, which don’t come as a surprise to me, are: Teamwork; Fairness; Bravery; Forgiveness; and Social Intelligence. One of the best resources I’ve found if you want to learn more about the strengths, and cultivate them, is Tayyab Rashid and Afroze Anjum’s 340 Ways to Use VIA Character Strengths.
I think the main benefits of knowing your character strengths and weaknesses are that it can help you choose paths to go down that play to your strengths, and at the same time help you better yourself with regard to your weaknesses if you want to.
Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies
I learned about the Four Tendencies after discovering Gretchen and her podcast Happier from first discovering her book The Happiness Project. It is a framework which is all about how you respond to inner and outer expectations, like deciding you want to walk 10,000 steps a day – an inner expectation - and bringing the roast vegetables to Christmas dinner – an outer expectation since your action affects others. The Four Tendencies are:
1) Obliger – someone who easily responds to outer expectations but not inner. The majority of the population are Obligers;
2) Questioner – someone who questions all outer expectations, and so in a way turns all expectations into inner. This is the second most common tendency;
3) Upholder – someone who easily responds to both types of expectations; and
4) Rebel – someone who does not respond well to either type of expectation.
I am a Questioner which makes complete sense to me – I will only do something if I decide that it is worth my while doing. My boyfriend (an Obliger) thinks this is quite an arrogant way to be, and I can see how Questioners could be viewed that way. I find it hard to comprehend how someone wouldn’t question everything put to them before going ahead and doing it, but that’s because I’m a Questioner!
You can take the Four Tendencies quiz on Gretchen’s website.
When you get into learning about yourself using these personality frameworks you’ll realise there is a lot of overlap. And if you allow yourself to fully acknowledge and accept where your strengths and weaknesses lie, I think you can more easily grow and evolve.
What are your results? Let me know in the comments below!