Projecting My SA onto My Child

And how I (mostly) caught myself before I did so - this time.

There are many reasons why I need to lay my social anxiety to rest: one of the main ones is so that it doesn’t negatively impact Aiyana. I don’t want my fear of rejection and irrational belief that people are less likely to want to be friends, rather than more likely, to rub off on her.

However, recently it almost did. Luckily, I caught myself just in time.

We were at the park with my friend and her one-year-old. There was an older boy – aged six we later found out – playing with a toy soldier attached to a mini parachute. He was climbing up to the top of the big shoot and dropping it off at the top so that it floated down to the ground.

I had spotted him out the corner of my eye because it was quite a cool toy; Aiyana must have too.

Adrenaline instantly surged through me as my ears caught her bravely asking him “Can I play with you?”. He looked at her a bit unsurely – likely to see if he had heard her correctly or that she was definitely talking to him. Aiyana then looked towards me with trepidation in her eyes as if saying “Oh no. Is this OK?” These thoughts immediately raced through my mind: “Oh no. My baby is going to get rejected here. This big boy is going to think “Why on Earth would I want to play with you? A 2-year-old girl? How weird that you would even think that I would and ask me to.” then ignore her.”

A similar situation occurred earlier this year when we were at a different park. There were three sisters playing – ranging from age three to six or seven I’d guess. The oldest one broke off and Aiyana followed her, then asked if she wanted to play with her on some park object. Not even giving the girl a chance to answer, I jumped in and said something like “She might not want to play on that baby because she’s a big girl.” As soon as I said it, I chastised myself. I’ve read enough parenting books to know that adults should not get involved in children’s interactions, unless there is a serious conflict or the possibility of danger.

I know why I said it though – I was trying to pre-empt the rejection my negatively biased brain assumed would occur and save Aiyana from the pain.

But I know, logically, that shielding her from potential rejection will not result in her growing up to be secure and self-assured, which is obviously what I want.

So, this time, immediately after those initial negative thoughts raced through my mind, I recalled that previous situation and caught myself from repeating the same mistake in the nick of time. Instead of blurting out something to put her off pursuing the interaction further, I just smiled and said “That’s nice.”, while my heart remained full of fear.

And do you know what happened? With my meek reassurance, she asked him again, and he seemed really happy about it! They told each other their names, he showed her his toy, she asked if she could try it, and he enthusiastically obliged and showed her how to do it.

My heart burst with love, pride, and gratitude.

Thank God I didn’t ruin her chances of having a lovely interaction, while also likely making her more wary of reaching out to people to play with in the future.

With all of that adrenaline still coursing through my body, however, I went into my default anxious state of loud, overenthusiasm. (When I was younger, my social anxiety resulted in me becoming mute, but it seems to have evolved to result in the opposite.) I kept involving myself in their play, even though the wiser part of my brain kept reminding me to butt out.

So I need to try even harder in the future to consciously remain as silent as possible, maybe limiting myself to smiling and giving thumbs up, or stern looks if required. And I need to drum it into my brain that most of the time children embrace new friendships, and even if Aiyana does get rebuffed for whatever reason, she’s resilient, and she can handle it. She needs to experience emotional pain sometimes in order to grow up to be a well-rounded individual.

Have you had any experiences like this? If you’re a parent with social anxiety, or even if you’re a parent who is secure, have you noticed yourself trying to protect your child in irrational ways from your own irrational fears? Have you found a way to stop yourself in the moment and not let your anxiety rub off on them? I’ll take all the tips I can get. I am a teacher and also a student.

And if you’d rather not subscribe, follow me here instead.